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But first, give them a handful of these unmarked white pills.

BY ML PHILPOTT

Stan, the sedan smells absolutely divine. It's like...a new car! Or, no...a new car GIRL. You know, Stan. New car girls? But not just any new car girl. No, your car smells like the kind of new car girl who's actually a drag queen dressed up as a go-go-dancing green M&M. YES, that's what it is, Stan! [Sigh.] Takes me right back to childhood, it does. Oh, Stan. I miss my dad.

BY ML PHILPOTT

It took me half an hour, but I taught him to say "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."

JD DuPuy