Heckling Myself

Dan Burt lives in Alabama with his wife and two sons. He is an ardent bibliophile and military veteran, having served as a member of a special unit of the U.S. Air Force during the Reagan Revolution patrolling the jungles of north Florida and protecting America from pygmy rattlesnakes and skinks. Dan was also a successful CEO of a phrenology busking business outside a local Chick-fil-A. He recently retired from the business with a coffee can full of change after being physically removed from the property. Dan has served as an expert witness in several of his own state and federal trials (42% “Not Guilty/Hung Jury” verdicts!). He is the creator and writer of the humor website Captain Canard. His weird, silly stories and cartoons have appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, errant parent, Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, Sweet Fancy Moses, Kittenpants, and several other literary venues both online and off. You can contact Dan at www.DanBurt.com or follow him on Twitter @danburt.

Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets From a Naive Idiot

BY DAN BURT

Dan recently released his hilarious e-book: Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets from a Naive Idiot. Below is an excerpt. You can purchase his book at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Smashwords, and Kobo.

I need a number to a demon possession agency. My sister wants to meet this cute exorcist at the local church, but she's kind of shy.

I accidentally made eye contact with my neighbor of six years. I hope he doesn't think that's an invitation to come over and introduce himself.

I got a Slinky® tangled in my hair and couldn't get it out. I had to go to work with it bouncing on my head like I was a goddamn Dr. Seuss character.

I was arrested at an Antiques Roadshow for causing a scene when I didn't like how the appraiser manhandled my wife's antique knockers.

My first Pilates session! My instructor, who I found on Craigslist, just arrived with the duct tape, blindfold, and ball gag. Wish me luck! I have a feeling I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

The Proclaimers' "500 Miles" is one sexy song! Those two Scottish lads just seduce your ears with their virile, guttural brogue.

I got a ticket for driving a forklift, even though I have an operator's license. Apparently the freeway's not that free.

Why do scientists make a big deal about the difficulty of smashing atoms. Just get a hammer and slam those fuckers!

My stomach's a little queasy after eating some imitation custard mix I bought at the flea market. #FleamMarketEats

I'm feeling kind of down so I wrote a senryu poem: My heart's a balloon ⁄ twisted into a wiener dog ⁄ by a sad clown.

I'm boycotting Applebee's because they wouldn't let my puppet, Odell, order off the kids menu.

I discovered I'm famous for doing nothing! But only at places where I've been employed.

The new comic book superhero I created is left-handed, but I don't know if Captain Foreskin should have an eye patch or not. #comicbook

A literary magazine I'm submitting to requires a third-person bio be included. That's just great! Now I need two co-writers.

I can tell I'm getting old when I pull a muscle playing pinball. Also, that I'm playing pinball.

I'm falling behind in my blackmail payments. I'm afraid any day now, something's going to be tweeted about me getting blackmailed.

I'm officially in the comedy business! A guy paid me ten dollars to tell jokes while I mowed his yard. Then he gave me twenty bucks to just shut up and mow.

I got fired from my last modeling job because I sat down in the middle of the catwalk and ate a sandwich.

Are you ready to ROCK?! Because we're heading to the quarry in the morning to get some gravel for the driveway.

I know meth gets a bad rap, but all I can say is I cleaned my whole house, mowed all my yard, wrecked my car, and I don't give a fuck.

My weather vane really sucks at predicting the weather. I'm removing it from the roof of my van.

When I practice positive thinking based on The Secret, I ask for $99,000,000 instead of $100,000,000 because I don't want to appear greedy.

I got stuck in the chimney because the kids and I were pretending to be under house arrest and I tried to escape.

Have you ever tried bribing a kangaroo? All I can say is I admire their integrity.

I was almost a Grandmaster in chess, but I lost interest after I beat a homeless man in the park and he stabbed me with a screwdriver.

I've spoken with important people in the music biz and most of them are concerned that Don Johnson hasn't released another album to complete the trilogy for Heartbeat and Let It Roll.

I don't know much about stamp collecting, but I bet a stamp with a bandicoot on it would be valuable.

My Trouble With Pets And Animals

BY DAN BURT

Sometimes pets and animals can be a pain in the ass. And when they are, I let everybody know about it. I post about it on Facebook, Twitter, and DMX Fan Club forums (until my account was involuntarily deactivated). I even wrote a letter to Penthouse asking for advice because I knew they had experience with pets, but they never published my letter or answered me (not counting the subscription request). Following are some of the experiences I've had with pets and animals over the past year, which is also an excerpt from my upcoming book: Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets from a Naive Idiot.

I need to get some herding dogs that know how to handle cephalopods because I've got a lot of squid and cuttlefish swimming loose in my pond.

My pet bird, Chet, keeps plucking itself. Feathers are everywhere! I glued most of them back on, though.

Can you sue a dog for perjury? The mutt's on the witness list for my upcoming trial and I don't trust that son of a bitch.

I hate to complain, but there's a goat running around the neighborhood with no respect for the law.

I had a dream that a terrier beat me in craps. The next day when I left for work, I was wondering what the dream meant when I stepped in dog shit.

Coincidence or karma? I slapped a Jim Nabors impersonator at the mall, and later a scorpion jumped out of my briefcase and stung me in the face.

I bought a new dog collar. Now my dog, Buddy, is jealous. He keeps looking at me when I wear it.

My reflexes have deteriorated worse than I thought. My pet sloth just beat me in a slap fight.

I was jumping rope in my backyard when I tripped over a possum that tried to join in.

My backpack where I keep my hornet's nest has been keeping me up at night with all the buzzing.

My pet turtle, Shelly Berman, said the lamp in the room was too bright. I'm like: What the fuck? Just stay in your shell! He's always complaining about shit.

I need a small funnel to force-feed my pet fish, Fidel. He's not sick; just stubborn. I'm not putting up with a fucking bullheaded anorexic fish.

I need a small Snuggie for my iguana, Charo. She keeps wearing mine and it's entirely too big for her. She looks ridiculous.

I've had it with these fucking deer! I saw one through my telescope out in the woods behind my house spying on me with binoculars.

I'm trying to teach my dog how to play a harmonica. But when I put it in front of his mouth, the mutt won't even try to blow; he just licks it.

I need to call an exterminator because while I was in the bathroom taking a shower, I got stung by a jellyfish.

Had to make a late night trip to Walmart because I was out of hamster shampoo (Suave's Radiant Rodent w/Green Tea).

I think something's wrong with my snake, Moby, because he's starting to grow fur. I'm going to mail Moby to my vet and have her check him out.

My pet hawk. Hugo, has bubbles coming out of his beak. I bet that jive turkey ate my fucking soap again.

Damn cow stepped on my cassette Walkman and broke it this morning when I was milking her. I hope the warranty covers farming accidents.

Some nights I stand in my backyard, gazing into the mysterious universe and wonder where my wire-haired terrier buried my mood ring.

I brought my pet goose, Glendora, to church. She kept honking throughout the sermon, even after I gave her some cough syrup. The commotion was so embarrassing, I ended up leaving church early. I told my wife to try rubbing Glendora's tummy when I handed the goose to her when I left.

The damn dog's been drinking my beer again. Found a couple of empty bottles of Moosehead in his doghouse next to his fondue pot.

I got into a big fight with my parakeet, Chet, and now he won't say two words to me (he only knows two words).