Ladies Room

BY ALAN D. HARRIS

When others settle in to work
they enjoy a lovely view
a cubicle with windows near
for the sunshine to shine through

Not me, you see, not that lucky
My view is of the john
for Jane and Jill, not Ben or Bill
where girls water the lawn

They pile in eight at a time
tempting capacity
with their cell phones all whipped out
and no one there to pee

Alan D. Harris writes his stories and poetry based primarily upon the historical fictions of family, loved ones, and/or serial killers. Most recently his 2011 publishing and acceptance credits include: Candidum, Blink-Ink, Healthy Artists, Australia's Chimaera, and UK's Welcometowherever, Blinking Cursor, and Poetic Causes.  Harris has received the 2011 Stephen H. Tudor Scholarship in Creative Writing from Wayne State University.

Conservation Conversion

BY ROBERT E. PETRAS

No big deal
I said to my father,
a son of the Great Depression,
an era influencing his lifelong
obsession for saving money
through conservation, a guy
as green as Popeye's poop
with a budget tighter
than Tupperware.
I was only six, after all,
not as though I used the chocolate
substitute and it was merely
a Tootsie Roll, segmented for sharing,
but I never had to share
with my three sisters
the same bathwater again.

Bob Petras is a resident of Toronto, OH, and a graduate of West Liberty University. His poetry and fiction have appeared recently in Phantom Kangaroo, The Camel Saloon, Speech Bubble Magazine, and Haunted Waters Press. He often hangs his work on a nail in a tree behind his house. He is a frequent victim of prank phone calls.

Serial Drinker

BY ALAN D. HARRIS

I am not an alcoholic
nor am I a drunkard
What I am is a serial drinker

I love my beer
like Jeffrey Dahmer
loved his victims

Cold
without a head
and stacked in the fridge

Alan D. Harris writes his stories and poetry based primarily upon the historical fictions of family, loved ones, and/or serial killers. Most recently his 2011 publishing and acceptance credits include: Candidum, Blink-Ink, Healthy Artists, Australia's Chimaera, and UK's Welcometowherever, Blinking Cursor, and Poetic Causes.  Harris has received the 2011 Stephen H. Tudor Scholarship in Creative Writing from Wayne State University.

The Inexperienced Medium Speaks for an Inarticulate, Stupid, Dead Person

BY RICH BOUCHER

I feel like there is a presence in this house.
Did someone die here?
It feels like a heat, a headache heat in my head just now.

I'm getting something more now:
a child, maybe about eighteen or nineteen.
It's female, but for some reason I can't see the face.
She wants me to know that she can't leave this house,
not until someone knows how she died.

She's telling me that she died in the bathroom.
I see something about a large man with a club.
No, it's not a club. It's a bat, a kind of baseball bat.
She wants me to know she was killed by a baseball bat.
She's saying something about aluminum;
she doesn't seem to know how to pronounce aluminum.
She's giving up on trying to pronounce it;
now she's saying it was a metal bat.

Wait, I'm getting something else.

This part is confusing; she's saying that she tripped
on the bat that was on the floor in the bathroom.
And then the bat got angry and animated itself
and it flew in the air and hit her on the side of her head.
She says the large man just watched and did nothing.

I'm getting another message
but she's not making sense to me:
she's telling me that we should look for a sweater;
she wants to know if her sweater is okay.
She says she doesn't want anyone else to have the sweater.

Is there a sweater in this house?
Is it an expensive sweater?

She's telling me she'll kill
anyone who touches that sweater.

A past member of five national poetry slam teams (Worcester, Mass. (x2), Washington, D.C., Wilmington, Del. and Albuquerque, N.M.), Rich has published four chapbooks of poetry and for seven years hosted an open reading and slam in Newark, Delaware. Since moving to Albuquerque in March of 2008, Rich has been performing and writing steadily in the Duke City, and is a regular contributor/editor at localpoetsguild.wordpress.com. Living day to day with physical abnormalities caused by the consumption of Monsanto’s supercorn, Rich is also an educator, adventurer and an unlicensed psychic. Rich’s poems have appeared in Adobe Walls: An Anthology of New Mexico Poetry, Fickle Muses, The Rag, Menagerie, Clutching at Straws, Shot Glass Journal, Mutant Root, The Mas Tequila Review, Borderline, and The Legendary. Hear some of his poems at: http://richboucher.bandcamp.com.

More Weeping to Come in the Morning

BY RICH BOUCHER

We were the last of humanity;
we were the last, frightened remains
of an experiment conducted by God.
And then the machines made their move.

In the end, after the Terminators
made us all slaves, human slaves;
they made us eat only Fruit Loops
and drink only Mountain Dew.

The first few months went by
and we discovered that
only drinking Mountain Dew
caused us to have vertigo,
and also handicappedness.

We cried when we learned
that only eating Fruit Loops
caused our limbs to be as crackly
and fragile as balsa wood airplanes.

We began to look like the people
who, in the days before the end,
only ate cans of tuna fish for food.
We began to have a lot of weird teeth.

The terminators in their tin can hubris
taught themselves how to point and laugh
as we staggered like wide-eyed marionettes
to the gloom of the cafeteria for our meals.

I am the last human survivor.
The lower half of my body
is now taken up by a baby stroller,
because of Fruit Loops and Mountain Dew.

Forgive the machines;
they knew not what they did do.

A past member of five national poetry slam teams (Worcester, Mass. (x2), Washington, D.C., Wilmington, Del. and Albuquerque, N.M.), Rich has published four chapbooks of poetry and for seven years hosted an open reading and slam in Newark, Delaware. Since moving to Albuquerque in March of 2008, Rich has been performing and writing steadily in the Duke City, and is a regular contributor/editor at localpoetsguild.wordpress.com. Living day to day with physical abnormalities caused by the consumption of Monsanto’s supercorn, Rich is also an educator, adventurer and an unlicensed psychic. Rich’s poems have appeared in Adobe Walls: An Anthology of New Mexico Poetry, Fickle Muses, The Rag, Menagerie, Clutching at Straws, Shot Glass Journal, Mutant Root, The Mas Tequila Review, Borderline, and The Legendary. Hear some of his poems at: http://richboucher.bandcamp.com.

Comes With Dimming and Intensity Controls

BY RICH BOUCHER

The Living Color ambient lamp
doesn't just produce beautiful light;
it's an attractive piece of furniture in its own right.
Which doesn't do anything to change the fact
that the world is a gross, unhappy place.
While there's no reason to hope for a bright future,
this lamp comes with a two-year warranty,
so you will be very glad you made this purchase.

The lamp features a translucent, bubble-like design
that allows you to see into its metal interior.
So, you know, if looking into a metal interior
gives you a little comfort even though you know
that in just a few days you're going to start killing some people,
go for it; whatever floats your boat. It has bright LEDs.
Just know that being able to see
into the metal interior of an ambient lamp
is unlikely to give you any insight at all
as to why you are always ruining things for people
and losing friends, but, if you're feeling whimsical,
the lamp also gives you a second, more-dynamic automatic mode.

When illuminated, the lamp looks even more stylish.
Which you don't know anything about, do you?
You're used to looking in the mirror in the morning
and being reminded of the beasts in mythology.
The knife is right there on the sink. Do it. Do it.
Buying this ambient lamp will probably not make you
change your mind about killing yourself,
but this lamp is powerful enough to bathe your wall or ceiling in color.
With its sleek, modern aesthetic and a range of lighting options,
this lamp is enough to completely transform a room.

Cover your bedroom in warm yellow light
to create a cozy reading environment,
or invigorate your living room with a bright green glow
to create a lively party atmosphere, whatever you want to do, dude.
Throw the goddamned thing in the garbage after you buy it.
Put animal heads all around it and worship it like a god if you want.
People don't understand each other; they just pretend to
in a bullshit circle-jerk head-game that doesn't end until we die.
Whatever. Like any of this matters at all.

With 16 million different shades to select from,
you'll be sure to find a color that matches your mood.

A past member of five national poetry slam teams (Worcester, Mass. (x2), Washington, D.C., Wilmington, Del. and Albuquerque, N.M.), Rich has published four chapbooks of poetry and for seven years hosted an open reading and slam in Newark, Delaware. Since moving to Albuquerque in March of 2008, Rich has been performing and writing steadily in the Duke City, and is a regular contributor/editor at localpoetsguild.wordpress.com. Living day to day with physical abnormalities caused by the consumption of Monsanto’s supercorn, Rich is also an educator, adventurer and an unlicensed psychic. Rich’s poems have appeared in Adobe Walls: An Anthology of New Mexico Poetry, Fickle Muses, The Rag, Menagerie, Clutching at Straws, Shot Glass Journal, Mutant Root, The Mas Tequila Review, Borderline, and The Legendary. Hear some of his poems at: http://richboucher.bandcamp.com.